I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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