My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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