it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
