Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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