Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
