Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
