There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
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