i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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