well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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