I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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