i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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