Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
