it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
