Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
