hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
