if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize