im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
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