If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
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