i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
