I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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