I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
