I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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