Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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