people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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