so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
