Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
