In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
