Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
