Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Mom said you looked used
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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