Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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