Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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