My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
