Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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