she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
