I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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