I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize