I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
