sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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