i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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