I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
