my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
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