For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
