I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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