I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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