why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
