3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize