physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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