She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
