see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
