i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
