I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
