If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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