This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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