I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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