I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
