If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
