My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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