everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
