I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
