i jhust puked up my retainher.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
